Defeated

I'm a single mom, I make a good amount of money, and my ex pays $600 a month in child support, out of the $1200 he is supposed to.  I should have plenty of cash, and a healthy savings account, yet I don't.  For years, I didn't budget.  I would just spend and spend and not pay any attention.  In January, it hit me hard that I could no longer sustain that lifestyle.  I got myself into alot of credit card debit, so much so that my bank account was overdrawn 2 months in a row.  That feeling, of a negative bank account, knowing that I have more bills due...gut wrenching.  

I have started a Zero Based Budget, where every dollar is accounted for.   So, I'm no longer using credit cards, unless I pay it off the charge the same day, have everything accounted for, and can't spend spontaneously.  It has proven to be difficult for me.  I have to keep the end game in constant sight.  

Things I'm doing to help - meal planning and actually going to the grocery store with a list.  Not randomly going to stores- so then there is less temptation.  I took my credit card off of my Amazon account, and have just stopped browsing Amazon.   We are all guilty of that...I never knew I need square and circle ice cubes until I saw them on Amazon- ya know for all the mixed drinks I make (maybe once or twice a year).  

I have stopped over compensating for my ex husband up and moving out of State without letting his daughters or I know.  For a whole, I was buying them so many gifts, taking them out to dinner all the time, and having way to expensive birthday parties.  I have talked to the girls about finances and budgets,  I have learned that No is a complete sentence.  No more $6 coffees, I stopped paying for a subscription to Pandora  - oh how I miss  no commercials and all the playlist I created on there...I just keep reminding myself that I'm saving $520 a year.  I got rid of Hallmark Movie Channel (sorry I love the cheesy movies), and I also stopped my wine membership at Naked Wines. 

I truly loved Naked Wines, it's made up of all these small independent wineries that don't sell in stores.  I liked 97% of the wines that I got from them, but it was costing me at a minimum, $40 a month.  That alone is $480 a year- but I would always end up paying between $15 to $80 more when I actually ordered wine.  With that, I would still highly recommended them, and if I ever seem to have a surplus of $$$, would go back!  

I have made changes, I have paid down some of the debit, stayed on budget, but yet it's still so defeating to look at my bank accounts, to tell your kids, sorry, we can't go to the water park with your cousins because it's too expensive...It truly is though - $500 for one night- nahh I'll pass. 

In that moment though, I just felt so defeated, that I'm failing my kids.  

I still have too much damn Catholic Italian guilt...

But, ya know what I longer have....bank accounts in the negative!